


Cronchy

by Hawkingjay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Eating bath bombs, Lush, Mentions of drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:30:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9890273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkingjay/pseuds/Hawkingjay
Summary: Zoe finds a niche market and forms an unexpected friendship(Or: In which I take the "Jared eats bath bombs" meme too far)





	1. What's up gamers

**Author's Note:**

> So if this makes no sense to you, someone sent a headcanon to dearevanhansenheadcanons about Jared eating bath bombs. Around this time, I had the flu, so this was pretty funny to fever addled me.

The store was overly lit, the fluorescents shining down, adding to the bite of the overeager black-clad employees. It was as if the glaring light was trying to expose all of Jared Kleinman’s deep, dark secrets.

 

Granted, there was nothing inherently wrong with a guy at lush. There wasn’t anything wrong with a guy at lush twice a week. There wasn’t anything wrong with a guy spending his entire allowance at lush. That’s what Jared told himself, anyway. Jared knew the high was going to end, but here, smelling the various smells of the bath bombs, he could live in denial. However, he was forced to admit his problem when he saw someone he knew. He almost didn’t recognize her without the indigo peeking through her hair, but Evan had waxed poetic about her enough times for him to know her anywhere. Zoe Murphy was eyeing the soap at lush. 

 

It was okay.

 

Jared just had to avoid making a scene.

 

He was calculating how to get out of lush without Zoe noticing, but his plans were foiled when a lady in the signature black apron appeared next to him.

 

“Sir, we’ve discussed this,” she said. It was obvious that she did not want to have this conversation.

 

“What?” Jared said, feigning innocence.

 

“Come on,” she sighed, ditching the usual pep the clerks had. “We’ve had parents complain because their kids are eating bath bombs now. Please leave.”

 

Jared should have just quietly left. It would probably just blow over in a few weeks if he did that. However, right as he was leaving, he decided to shout:

 

“I’M AN AMAZING CUSTOMER!”

 

He cursed himself as he made his way over to gamestop.

 

“What's up, gamers?” He said halfheartedly before trying to engage himself in the PS4 titles to take his mind off of things. It must have worked, because next thing he knew, a half hour had passed and Zoe Murphy was gently tapping him on the shoulder.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“So we don’t really know each other, so I get it if you don’t want to discuss it, but I couldn’t help but notice that something happened at lush,” Zoe said. The hesitance in her voice made Jared realize why Evan was so into her. They were a lot more similar than they seemed.

 

“Oh that!” Jared said laughing. “That? Yeah, oh, that’s just stupid.”

 

The attempted diversion didn't work. Zoe’s interest seemed even more piqued than before.

 

“We should do something than. They can’t kick you out like that if you didn't do anything,” Zoe said.

 

“Well…” Jared said, trying to find a way to keep Zoe from getting involved without making her think he was a weirdo.

 

“What?”

 

“Technically… I don't use the products for their intended purpose,” Jared confessed. Zoe's eyes lit up in amused surprise.

 

“Do I want to know?” She asked. 

 

“In my defense, have you ever tried them?” Jared blurted out.

 

“Yeah. My mom got me one once as a- yeah.”

 

“But did you  _ try  _ it?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“No, did you actually take a bite and-”

 

“What?”  Zoe interrupted Jared so she could process what he was saying. “You got kicked out of lush because you were eating bath bombs?”

 

“Yeah.” Jared said, unsure of what else to say. Zoe just laughed. However, at one point she looked over at Jared and noticed he looked miserable. She felt guilty for laughing.

 

“Here.” Zoe said. She handed Jared a pink orb from her black and white shopping bag. “Enjoy.”

 

“Thanks,” Jared said as she walked off. “Wait!”

 

Zoe turned around. She expected some sort of plea for secrecy, but instead, she got a $20 bill. A plan started forming before she could stop it.

* * *

 

“YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF LUSH IN FRONT OF ZOE MURPHY?!” Evan was freaking out. This wasn’t good. If Evan had another panic attack at the Kleinman house, there was no way Jared’s parents would pay his car insurance.

 

“You’re ignoring the part where we’re kind of friends now,” Jared said, “so if she’s like ‘wow I’m super sad and feeling lonely’ I can be like ‘you should meet my family friend Evan’.”

 

“Zoe doesn’t sound like that.”

 

“No offense, but I know Zoe better than you.”

 

“Because she went to talk to you at gamestop about the weird shit you pulled at lush?” Evan snapped.

 

“Wow,” Jared said. He didn’t know how else to respond. Luckily, Evan took the cue and backed off.

 

“Just don’t-” Evan said, fidgeting, “don’t let it get out of control. Please.”

  
“I’ll make no promises,” Jared said, and he’d be glad he said that later.


	2. Chapter 2

Jared wasn’t quite sure what the etiquette was when someone knows your weirdest secret. Should he avoid Zoe? Should he hang out with her more? For once, he didn’t have any answers.

“Dude, I’m not helping you with this,” Evan said.

“Excuse me? How many times have I listened to you about Zoe?” Jared argued.

“This is different,” Evan said. However, he could not come up with examples to back up his thesis, even though that was literally what they just did last period in English. In his defense, he didn’t really have a chance before Zoe rushed over to Jared.

“Hey, so I’m going to the mall later today and I was wondering if you wanted me to get you anything?” Zoe said. She noticed Evan standing there.

“Hi, I don’t think we’ve really had a chance to talk,” Zoe said to Evan. He just stared at her. It was the Daisy Buchanan thing all over again.

“He’s shy,” Jared said, trying to divert Zoe’s attention. “And can you get me a big blue and a dragon’s egg?”

“Yeah, let me write that down.” Zoe said. While she made a note on her phone, Jared grabbed his wallet and handed her some cash.

“This is way too much. I still owe you from-” Zoe started, but Jared cut her off.

“Look, Zoe. I’m willing to pay what I’m willing to pay,” he said, and Zoe nodded and walked off.

“What the hell was that?” Evan whispered.

“Oh, that was just me saving your ass in front of Zoe Murphy. You’re welcome,” Jared said. Evan tried to come up with a retort, but the warning bell beat him out.

* * *

Zoe was surprised when Alana Beck made a beeline for her in the hallway. She figured that her run in with Jared was enough of a chance encounter to last until college.

“Hey, Zoe,” Alana said, trying and failing to be casual.

“Hi, Alana,” Zoe said.

“So I saw you were talking to Jared Kleinman earlier,” Alana said. Her tone lacked the playfulness teenagers usually had when implying something romantic was happening.

“Yeah.”

“Here,” Alana said, handing her a piece of paper encased in a plastic sleeve. “My number’s on there, if you want any help.”

Zoe was confused as all get out, so she started to read the paper. She quickly noticed that it was Alana’s résumé. If Alana figured out what was going on so quickly, she could help, Zoe reasoned. Plus, her résumé was impressive, and it could probably get her hired anywhere. That was going to be incredibly useful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're gonna see more of Alana. That's all I'm gonna say because I'm bad at thinking ahead.


	3. Totally normal

Evan hated going to the mall. It was loud and crowded, which always stressed him out. Plus, everyone else seemed to go there with their friends, whereas Evan was always accompanied by his mom. At least his mom seemed to recognize this and their trips went by pretty quickly. On one of the Hansens’ mall trips, Evan did a double take as he walked by Lush.

 

He thought he saw someone familiar in the window.

 

It probably was nothing. He was just being paranoid. Jared’s antics hadn’t escalated that far.

 

Right?

“Honey, I need to go to Macy’s really quick,” Heidi said. Her tone was apologetic. Evan knew his mom was trying his best.

 

“Okay,” Evan said, “um, actually, can I go to the food court? I think I saw a friend of mine there.”

 

“Of course! Heidi said. He hated how surprised she got whenever he mentioned having friends, but he knew that her excitement would provide the cover he needed to figure out what had been bugging him for half of the excursion.

 

Instead of going to the food court, Evan went over to lush. Sure enough, he was greeted by Alana Beck.

 

“Hi, Evan!” she said. Evan quickly noticed she was wearing all black, like the other employees at the store. “Do you need help finding anything?”

 

“N-no,” he said, “I’m, um, just looking.”

 

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything!” She said, before rushing off to talk to the next customer who walked in. Evan pretended to browse the soap and hair care products for a while, because if he just walked out after talking to Alana, that would be weird and impolite. If Alana thought he was weird and impolite, she would probably tell Zoe and then Zoe would never talk to him again. In fact, she would probably tell the whole school and no one would talk to him-

 

Evan took a deep breath, trying to remember that thing Dr. Sherman told him about viewing your fears logically.

 

Obviously, Alana dealt with a lot of customers every day, some of whom went to their school. No one was shunned because of anything she’d said about them. Plus, she probably knew that Jared was banned, so really anything he could do wouldn’t be nearly as odd. While Alana was busy talking to someone, Evan slipped out of the store to meet his mom at Macy’s.

* * *

 

Evan knew Jared was avoiding him. Well, more so than usual. However, Evan managed to track him down on his way to lunch. It helped that no one else in the hallway was wearing a t-shirt with the entire script of The Bee Movie on it.

 

“Hey, so, totally random question, but you wouldn’t happen to know why Alana Beck is working at lush, would you?” Evan asked.

 

“You need to calm down,” Jared said simply. He was right- Evan was a nervous wreck- but that was beside the point.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

“Yes, you do. You’re hyperventilating.”

 

“MYBREATHINGISTOTALLYNORMAL!”

 

“Okay, sheesh,” Jared said, “to answer your question, I kind of had an idea Zoe had some sort of connection because she just lowered the going rate for bath bombs.”

 

“Oh, so you’re still getting your bath bombs from Zoe?” Evan asked. He tried to sound casual to hide the fact that he was close to an anxiety attack.

 

“Evan, we’ve been over this. Zoe won’t think you’re weird because I buy bath bombs from her. She’ll think you’re weird because you stalk her at her jazz band concerts.”

 

“I’m not stalking Zoe.”

 

“You kind of are.”

 

“Even if I am, I’m not asking Zoe Murphy to help me get around the fact that I’m banned from somewhere!”

 

“That’s because one, you can’t talk to Zoe Murphy without freaking out, and two, you can’t get banned from anywhere because you don’t go anywhere!” Jared snapped. There was a second of uncomfortable silence between them before someone else cut in.

 

“What about my sister?”

 

Jared and Evan turned to see Connor Murphy looking pissed off.

 

“Oh, we were just talking about how the disappearance of local cats is linked to her brother,” Jared said.

 

“Ha ha, fuck you,” Connor snapped.

 

“We- we weren’t saying anything bad,” Evan said, “we were just, um, talking about how good she is in jazz band.”

 

“Right, because that doesn’t sound like bullshit,” Connor said.

 

“No, no, really,” Evan said. He hated how panicked he was. It was only going to make Connor more suspicious.

 

“Look, I don’t have the energy to get into whatever weird shit you two have going on,” Connor said, “but don’t talk shit about my sister. Got it?”

Evan just nodded as Connor stormed away.

* * *

 

After the shit he’d gone through that day, Connor just wanted to go home and get really, REALLY high. When he went up to his room, though, Zoe didn’t make some snide comment about him getting high. In fact, she didn’t even seem to register his presence. She didn’t look up from her phone. Her thumbs were flying as she sent off some rapid-fire texts.

 

“Hey, Zoe,” Connor said.

 

“Hey,” she responded, still not looking up from her phone.

  
His sister wasn’t normally civil. Something was up. Maybe Evan and Jared weren’t lying, Connor thought. Okay, the jazz band thing was obviously bullshit, because no one attended the jazz band concerts. Then again, it wasn’t really a bluff Connor could call, because he didn’t go, either. Maybe he should spend more time with his sister, because she was definitely up to something.


	4. Connor no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe isn't as subtle as she thinks she is.

Ever since Alana joined her endeavor, business was booming for Zoe. Alana’s employee discount meant that Zoe was able to lower prices and increase profits. Jared had told a few members of the video game club who had also gotten kicked out of lush, and Zoe was almost struggling to stay on top of everything. She was thankful that Alana was willing to help fill orders.

 

For once, she was glad her parents were too busy dealing with her brother to pay any attention to her. Sure, they would awkwardly ask her if anything new was going on in her life, but that was more out of obligation than anything else. She wasn't doing anything illegal (she'd checked), but she wasn't sure her parents would love the idea.

 

Of course, it wasn't her parents she needed to worry about.

 

Connor spent most of his time yelling at Zoe, or threatening Zoe, or aggressively ignoring Zoe, but he still cared about his sister. If she was getting herself into something bad, Connor wanted to make sure she was safe.

 

So when he went to see his dealer, he asked about something. You know, for his sister. He paid Alex for his usual supply (he got the money from Zoe’s wallet, which held way more cash than it usually did) and cleared his throat.

 

“So, have you heard anything about a new dealer in the area?” Connor asked.

 

“Why?” Alex asked, “you’re not looking for a new source, right?”

 

“Hell no,” Connor assured her, “everyone knows you’ve got the best product. I just think someone I know might be in with some sketchy people.”

 

“I’ve yet to hear anything,” Alex said, “but I’ll let you know if I do.”

 

“Thanks,” Connor said. Her statement hadn’t given him any reassurance.

* * *

 

For once, Connor didn’t feel guilty about breaking into Zoe’s room. Well, he still felt kind of bad about violating her privacy, but at least this time he wasn’t in there to break or steal anything. He rummaged around for a bit, trying not to get anything too out of place. He knew Zoe didn’t like him going through her stuff. Even though she’d been less likely to call him out lately, he still didn’t want to anger her. She was probably dealing with enough right now.

 

He searched around under her bed before finding a bag filled with orbs in a variety of different colors. That was odd. He searched through the bag, to see if there was anything else. Connor had mastered the art of hiding things, but if there was something else in there, Zoe clearly had him beat. So he grabbed one of the orbs. It was hard. He couldn’t really break it open.

 

He slowly chipped away at it. Of course Zoe would put more effort than he would to hide drugs. After a few minute, the orb was a pile of dust, and there was no sign of any sort of drug. However, Connor was still suspicious. After all, he’d never seen one of the orbs before. Then it hit him. Maybe it was some sort of weird edible. He grabbed another orb, and stared at it for a second. Every instinct was screaming not to lick strange objects. Then again, the chance to look out for his sister while getting high was just too sweet to resist. He scraped his teeth against it and winced at the powdery texture. At that moment, the door opened.

 

“Goddammit, Connor!” Zoe shouted.

 

“Why are you mad at me?” Connor asked. His nerves that Zoe had caught him had transformed into anger.

 

“You’re destroying my product!” Zoe snapped. She rushed over to the bag and snatched it away from him.

 

“So you admit it,” Connor said.

 

“Admit what?” Zoe said. She was using that exasperated tone that reared its head when she was explaining to their parents that he was high yet again.

 

“Don’t play dumb with me!” Connor would have been shouting if he wasn’t trying to keep their parents from catching on. “I don’t know how and I don’t know what, but you’re definitely dealing.”

 

“You think I’m dealing drugs?” Zoe asked. She looked stunned by the accusation.

 

“Explain this,” Connor said, holding up the orb.

 

“Connor, that’s a bath bomb,” Zoe said. “You throw it in the bath tub and it dissolves and smells nice.”

 

“And gets you high?”

 

“No!” Zoe said, “Jesus, what is with you.”

 

“So you’re not dealing drugs?” Connor asked.

 

“God, no.”

 

“Good,” Connor said. After a few seconds, he added, “y’know what’s weird? I was mostly concerned for you, but part of me was offended you weren’t dealing to me.”

  
“I’m surprised by the fact that you were concerned for me,” Zoe said. Connor rolled his eyes.


	5. Evan this is what happens when you don't talk to people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is with the Murphy siblings and being suspicious of people?  
> (Also Jared is back and so is Alana)

Zoe would have liked to be relieved by the fact that her brother no longer thought she was dealing drugs. However, she wasn’t since she only found out about it when she disproved it. Besides, even if she had prior knowledge, he wasn’t the one she worried about. Connor could do a lot of things to freak her out, but he couldn’t jeopardize her bath bomb ring. That was another person.

After the months they’d spent running into each other, Zoe thought Evan Hansen would warm up to her. She wondered if he was avoiding her, but every now and then, she would look at the audience right before her solo at a jazz band concert and see him. It took everything in her power to not get so psyched out she forgot what notes she needed to play.

The only conclusion she could think of was that he was going to bust her somehow. She didn’t know exactly what his plan entailed. She just hoped it didn’t involve getting Alana fired from Lush. Alana couldn’t handle that.

Of course, given Connor’s recent behavior, Zoe was worried she was being paranoid. Granted, she wasn’t nearly as high as Connor was at any given moment, but her worries did seem a bit… out there. So when she made her next sale, she decided to talk to Jared.

“How is Evan?” Zoe asked, making sure to sprinkle it in with the other small talk. Jared’s expression changed instantly. It looked like it was taking everything in his power for him not to laugh.

“He is… Evan,” Jared said. He nodded as if she knew what he meant. She didn’t.

“Is that good or bad?” Zoe asked. Jared took a bite of the bath bomb she’d handed him earlier before replying, so she couldn’t understand what he said. She tried to ask him to clarify what he meant, but then the bell went off for the next period.

* * *

  
Zoe was still worried by the time lunch rolled around, and it was obviously bothering Alana, who was in a very good mood.

“My manager at lush says she would be willing to write me a recommendation letter,” Alana said, “and while colleges tend to prefer letters from teachers, there are several programs I’m interested in that would view my work experience and my great relationship with my boss as a sign of my impressive work ethic.”

“Yeah, your work ethic is impressive, Alana,” Zoe said. She was trying to hide the fact that her mind was on other things, but Alana caught on.

“Is something wrong?” Alana asked. “I know you really only want me working at lush for the discount, but I figured that it couldn’t hurt for me to make some acquaintances while I work there.” Zoe shook her head.

“No, I’m happy for you, Alana,” Zoe said, “It’s Evan. He’s been… I don’t know. I thought he was avoiding me, but what if he’s going to turn us in or something.”

“Well, we’re not doing anything illegal,” Alana assured Zoe, “I checked. Repeatedly.”

“I’m sure, but, still. Something strikes me as odd,” Zoe said.

“Maybe I could talk to him,” Alana offered. “He’s in AP Lit with me.”

“That would be great,” Zoe said. She hoped that Alana interpreted the hollowness of her words as distraction and not doubt. Everything about this left a pit in her stomach.

* * *

Across the cafeteria, Evan watched Zoe talk to Alana. He didn’t know what they were talking about. Were they talking about him? Maybe Alana was telling Zoe about his presentation on Daisy Buchanan during tenth grade and they were both going to start laughing. This was why Evan hated sitting in the cafeteria. For some reason, though, Jared insisted they sit together during lunch instead of letting Evan go to the library like he normally did.

“So Zoe Murphy asked about you,” Jared asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively. This did not make Evan feel better.

“W- what, um, what did you say?” Evan asked.

“I just said you were you.”  
“Did she say anything else?” Evan asked.

“No, but that was because the bell rang,” Jared said.

“What do you think it means?” Evan asked.

“Who knows?” Jared said, smirking.


End file.
